I want to be a cool mom. How much will it cost me?
Price of wine included
I have a specific idea of the kind of mother I want to be — how I want to look and what I want to feel. I imagine myself rocking a chic haircut, stacking golden necklaces, and always wearing lipstick, slightly smudged around the edges, like I had just been kissed. I don’t want to appear too polished and I want Bean to know her parents adore each other, just like my own parents — or like Gomez and Morticia from The Addams Family. I remember watching them as a kid and thinking, This couple is madly in love. I want to be cool and intelligent and her best friend.
When I think of a cool mom, I don’t think of Mean Girls’ Mrs. George—I think of Laura, played by Rashida Jones in Sofia Coppola’s On the Rocks: not her marriage or her relationship with her children but the general aura of what I assume is a rich mom energy.
She lives in New York City in a gorgeous SoHo apartment. I don’t, so I’m already behind on coolness. But I live in Prague, with long stretches of time spent in Spain, which is sort of cool in its own way? She’s working on her new novel, unsuccessfully. I’m working on my first novel, also unsuccessfully. Look at us—so alike. She owns a lot of books. I own a lot of books. Hers, of course, are displayed in a much nicer way. There’s Life 3.0 by Max Tegmark. I haven’t read it, but it’s been on my list for years. There’s Hooked by Nir Eyal, Enlightenment Now by Steven Pinker, and Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. My girl Laura is well-rounded.
Laura reads her kids Margery Sharp’s The Rescuers. I already purchased a copy for baby Bean—a series of stories about Miss Bianca, a socialite mouse who volunteers to help people and animals in danger. How lovely is that? I can’t wait to read it myself.
There is a tote from Shakespeare and Company hanging on the chair in her office. I have a tote from Shakespeare and Company. I forgot it at the friends’ apartment and still waiting for them to get back from spending winter in Thailand to retrieve it. The tote is a nice memory — a trip to Paris to celebrate a girlfriend’s birthday and it does make me feel slightly more intellectual while I carry groceries.
Laura is wearing a Cartier watch. I don’t wear watches but I wouldn’t mind a Cartier trinity ring. How about that for a push present?
She takes her daughter to a ballet studio. Bean is not even born yet but I can’t wait to sign her up for ballet classes. In my head, I imagine drinking coffee (or wine depending on a country) and chatting with other moms while waiting for our kids to finish up the recital.
There is a line of Maclaren strollers in front of her children’s school. It’s unclear if Maclaren is still in business, I think not, but the desire for the Maclaren stroller is still strong. But now by no fault of my own, I will have to chose something else. What is it about babies that make parents want to spend an arm and a leg?
Don’t get me started on the Artipope. If Laura had a baby, she would most certainly carry her in a chic Zeitgeist. Do I think it’s ridiculous to spend that much money on what’s essentially is a piece of fabric with straps (even as luxurious as silk and cashmere)? Yes! Do I still want one? Absolutely! It’s comfortable! It’s breathable! It’s gorgeous! It doesn’t help that the Artipope ads creep in on me from every corner. I think at this point it would have been cheaper for them to just gift me one so I would stop clicking on the ads. (If you do decide to do so, I want Tweed Rose or Tweed Aura, thank you very much, I love you!)
I bought a Najell sleep carrier — a purse for a baby which you can move from counter to counter, put it on the bathroom floor and then after you’ve taken a nice long relaxing shower and ready to go for a walk — pope it in a stroller. The baby is asleep and you don’t want to wake her up by moving — genius. Of course, I saw it on instagram (thanks, Olivia Hammond!). The only problem is, I also want to get a Liewood baby nest purely because it looks good. It plays pretty much the same role with less function, but the baby squished inside looks adorable. Laura would probably have both. Or would she be sensible enough to not waste money on an unnecessary purchase?
Babies are very cheap if you let them be. If you are like me, extremely easily influenced by every single thing, babies can get very expensive. Plus it’s not really about the baby. Babies don’t care. They want to be fed and loved. Moms want to be cool. For some reason, in my head, I now see, it translates as mildly intellectual and very rich.
A quick tally:
A gorgeous apartment: surely a few millions.
Lots of books to make sure you appear intellectual: €2000-3000
Haircut that looks effortless but is actually high-maintenance: €100-€200 every few months
Jeans that fit perfectly, never sag, never pinch: €250
Cashmere sweaters, because moms in the movies don’t wear polyester: €300 per sweater
Shakespeare and Company tote: I paid 17 euro for mine
Cartier trinity ring: €2000
A stroller that makes other moms jealous: €1500, because apparently, this is the going rate for something that will be covered in spit-up.
Artipope: €780
Cute baby wardrobe: up to the moon. Baby Bean already has a collection of onesies from Liewood and Konges Sløjd. She is half Swedish so she will probably be blonde and afraid of confrontation. I am fighting hard an urge to become a sad beige mom by buying up the most colourful Next sweaters I can find.
Ballet classes, other activities: don’t even want to think.
Pre-school, school: beyond expensive if going private.
All the other baby essentials: A LOT
Wine: €100-€200-€300?
Oh God
At least, i'm not a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.
